So. I'm just going to type, and see where it takes us. Do a spell check, and post this darn thing.
I feel somewhat hopeless. I mean, what can I DO?! Nothing. That's what. Chiha is giving me rather a lot of emotional crap. But like it's not even anything too deep, it's just stupid. It's like whenever I talk to him, I turn into this stupid, brainless, fangirl. He'll always somehow make ME look stupid, or something I've said sound really bad. Like that one time he was all: " You're not as much of a gamer as I thought you were"
That made me feel so worthless, and just not good enough.
Yes, there are times like that.
But lately things have been turning around, and I've been having the upper hand. For example, that time, he didn't know that bees made honey from plants. He didn't know there are actually different types of honey.
We were talking about honey cake, because for some reason, he told me to call him that. Yes. Honey cake.
Him: " Honey cake is REALLY sweet >.<"
Me: " Well it depends on what kind of honey you use :)"
Him: " ...The honey that bees make."
Me: "but, what plant it's from :P"
Him: " bees makes honey from plants? woooaahhh"
I mean...REALLY?!
And that's just one example. There have been plenty of times when I really really doubt his intelligence. I'm now thinking that.. he is quite ignorant. And I just can't stand ignorance. But it's HIM. So it's okay.
(no, it's really not) says the voice in my head. I'm such a twat.
The worst thing is, I know that he doesn't even like me. I've come to the conclusion that I'm just the stupid year10/11 whos fun to flirt with.
I really, truly, do not mean anything.
I mean, take my birthday for example. His mother supposedly threw my birthday present in the bin when she was cleaning his room (he doesn't clean his own room. WTF) then he said he would give me a pack of banana crisps (korean stuff) but see, that never even happened :/
And then there's Jamie. Jamie likes him too, and tbh this unnerves me. She actually talk to him, and texts him as much, if not more than me. (This is a little off topic, but I found out that he texts the same things to both me and Jamie. I think he types out a text, and sends it to multiple recipients. I even thought that he was solely MY 'therapist' because we just kinda made that joke like a few weeks after we met. Apparently he's been using his 'therapising skills' on Jamie too. What a cunt. Him, not her. I feel sympathy for her, as she's fallen for his cold, shitty attitude too)
I mean I think about Chiha, and then I think about what I would truly want from a relationship. And he's not it. He's so insensitive and just downright.. SAGBWUHBRWBGIO'[j.
Yet, I still like him, very very much. And I feel like a snivelling child just for that. Jay hates him :') But the truth is, all I've ever wanted to do is to fall in love, and to be in love. It just seems like the most perfect state to be in. Of course it would help if the love was requited.
nevertheless. I don't want this whole blog to be about him.
So it's come to my attention that others seem to think that I'm fat, stupid and ugly. This is really disheartening, because, really, I didn't think I was THAT fat. I know I'm not uber skinny and stuff. I mean, I'm a size 6.
That would be really skinny to a lot of people. But idk.
I'm not stupid.
I know I'm not very pretty. Okay fine.
"Without you I don't have a place that's safe from all the monsters that hide in my head and keep me till dawn."
Oh Jesus, it's such a beautiful day outside. I wish I could go out and enjoy it. But Michelle's in Hong Kong, so that's kind of impossible.
Something really weird happened to me last night. There's this guy called Alex Tate, but people just call him Tate. But, he likes a girl, and I've had my suspicions of who it is, and last night, he confirmed my suspicions.
I shall now tell you why this was strange.
He is Chiha's friend.
I thought Tate didn't like me at all.
He acted fine and dandy towards me last night.
He said "aww".
This may not seem weird as I'm regurgitating it now, but at the time it was really weird. Maybe it was just really weird, because I was being paranoid and was convinced he hated me. I actually thought he hated me because he thought that I was cradle snatching Chiha.
Oh look we're talking about Chiha again.
Tate is my new friend. I shall wave to him next time I see him.
I just realised. Chiha didn't reply to my text about Jack Mannequin last night. Jay just wrote something on my wall about the Jacks Mannequin song that I recommended about it being fantastic. Chiha will see this. Perhaps Chiha will ~ get jealous ;D
although maybe not. Maybe he just doesn't give two shits, and that's why he didn't reply.
But whatever. I totally don't care. Obviously.
My mother has been acting really strange and hormonal. Like the other day she called me a slag and a tramp. We went out furniture shopping and my brothers and I were just standing around doing nothing. Chiha texted me, and said I should entertain him during his train journey to Oxford, as payback for waking him up with a text the night before. Fair enough, it meant he actually wanted to talk to me. I wasn't going to mess this up.
It was just my luck however, that my mother was feeling extra hormonal that day. I was mid-conversation with Chiha, and my mother decides to shout at me and tell me to 'stop harassing that poor boy' and that she thinks his family is probably getting pissed off with him constantly texting as well. Oh and my phone was just about ready to die due to lack of battery.
I'm ashamed to say this, but I started crying in the middle of Ikea.
My mother laughed at me.
So I guess I'm going to stop now.
We're hookers anyway. Just skin and bones. Good Hair. Good Clothes. And that's how it goes.
Tuesday, 3 August 2010
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
Growing Up
I guess this is growing up.
Tear stained pillow every night, staring naked at yourself in the mirror, waiting for a text that will never come. Wishing for impossible things, like a thinner body or prettier skin. It's a vicious cycle of being too scared to help someone else, and feeling abandoned by everyone when they are the same. Growing up is feeling self conscious enough about yourself to break down crying in the school toilets, and the horrible panicking that comes when you realize you forgot your foundation at home. When your parents are screaming at you about your grades, and screaming at you because you came home drunk, and screaming at you because they hate your friends, and you just can't do anything right.
I don't think I'll ever know if it's just me that is passing time like this, so painfully, or if I'm just crying over something that everyone else can be brave about.
Tear stained pillow every night, staring naked at yourself in the mirror, waiting for a text that will never come. Wishing for impossible things, like a thinner body or prettier skin. It's a vicious cycle of being too scared to help someone else, and feeling abandoned by everyone when they are the same. Growing up is feeling self conscious enough about yourself to break down crying in the school toilets, and the horrible panicking that comes when you realize you forgot your foundation at home. When your parents are screaming at you about your grades, and screaming at you because you came home drunk, and screaming at you because they hate your friends, and you just can't do anything right.
I don't think I'll ever know if it's just me that is passing time like this, so painfully, or if I'm just crying over something that everyone else can be brave about.
Tuesday, 6 July 2010
A Life In The Day Of Me ^^
I usually wake from my snooze at around 4:30am, after an evening of late-night texting and Facebook drama. No one else is awake at this time, so I just hang around in my bedroom for a couple of hours. I might check my emails, or read the latest update of a blog I’m following. I know I should probably try to get more sleep, but I gave up on that a while ago.
Every now and again, I check my mobile for the time. Sometimes I check the wireless landline on my desk. Occasionally, I can be bothered to crane my neck to see the analogue clock hanging up above my mirror. When the digits strike 6am I drag myself away from the computer screen, and pull on my school uniform. I slink down stairs and greet my mother, who has normally just finished breakfast. Breakfast usually consists of whatever’s in the cereal cupboard (normally some form of muesli or a box of get-slim-quick flakes) or if I can’t be bothered; I’ll just have a piece of fruit.
After breakfast I face the challenge of straightening my hair and tying it up, brushing my teeth, washing my face, putting on make up to a decent standard and packing my school bag all in the space of around 20 minutes - in time to leave the house for 7:20. It’s always a bit of a dash to the station to catch the 7:26 train which is always packed with smart men and women in suits on their way to work in London. Everyday my brother and I spend the ten minute train journey staring at the same miserable faces sitting in exactly the same seats doing exactly the same thing; be it checking their Blackberries, iPhones or reading the Daily Mail. When we arrive at our destination station, we just about manage to squeeze through the oblivious commuters who, everyday without fail, try to board the train before we’ve managed to get off. It’s quite illogical really. Sometimes our hefty school bags might get caught on the passengers inside the train, who scowl and glare as if they’ve never been an awkward teenager.
And so the tedious wait for our next train commences. More commuters line the opposite side of the platform, looking as gormless as ever. I sit on one of the cold metal benches -most of which have been shat on by pigeons- and wait for my friends to arrive. Little by little, the platform fills with students from both Newstead and Olaves who, for the most part, tend to ignore each other’s existence apart from the normal group of year nines who seem to enjoy the company of the opposite sex rather a lot. About two minutes before the train is due to arrive, Chiha emerges casually from the station entrance and strolls towards our platform. We text each other almost everyday, and have almost endless conversations about nothing, yet in person we can barely manage a simple ‘Hello’ or ‘Hi’. It’s the most frustrating thing.
The train arrives and the students cram into their carriages, clutching their Metros and jabbering about the day ahead. I tend to spend the twenty minute journey not talking much. I’d rather stare out the window, and have some private thinking time, or I just observe the general banter of my friends. On arrival at Orpington, all the Newstead students descend into the substation walkway and appear on the other side of the station to flash their tickets at the station attendant, who really, doesn’t pay much attention to them at all. I once got past the attendant with a month old ticket. The two quid I would have spent on a travel card that day went towards my ‘get rich without realising’ fund.
The walk to school with Marion is normally filled with a heated debate on whether or not Dr Who is absolute nonsense or our shared interest in ambiguous homoerotic subtext. I always feel slightly worn out by the time we get to school; but there’s no time to be tired, so I get my books ready for my first two lessons and set off through the cramped corridors which are packed with year sevens who are clearly inexperienced at the art of pushing and shoving. Trying to walk down the corridors at rush hour is vaguely similar to being in a mosh pit. With textbooks.
At break time, Michelle (my best friend) and I usually buy a bacon roll from the canteen, or plan our next prank. A few months ago, we crammed ourselves into the bag cupboard, and jumped out on our friend. I got neck cramp whilst trying to stuff my large year ten torso into the bottom shelf at the same time as helping Michelle squish in – but our victim’s reaction was priceless. Michelle and I are infamous for our mischievous personalities within the form, but others reckon we’re a tad freaky.
The last bell rings and we’re free to get home to the wonders of having access to a fast modem and reading up on the advanced functions of various gadgets we’ve got lying around to see if we can make them more exciting. I practise piano for a while, until I get bored of playing and perfecting the same pieces over and over, and wait for dinner to be ready. On occasion I make dinner as a way of being helpful, and I’ve developed quite an interest in cooking.
The rest of the evening is spent procrastinating starting that assignment which happens to be due in tomorrow. I might re-arrange my bedroom a few times, or reorganise my videogames into alphabetical order.
Bedtime is usually around eleven, and that assignment won’t have been touched. I decide I’ll quickly rush it on the train in the morning, and so I get into bed, and log out for the day.
Oh wait. I have a text.
Every now and again, I check my mobile for the time. Sometimes I check the wireless landline on my desk. Occasionally, I can be bothered to crane my neck to see the analogue clock hanging up above my mirror. When the digits strike 6am I drag myself away from the computer screen, and pull on my school uniform. I slink down stairs and greet my mother, who has normally just finished breakfast. Breakfast usually consists of whatever’s in the cereal cupboard (normally some form of muesli or a box of get-slim-quick flakes) or if I can’t be bothered; I’ll just have a piece of fruit.
After breakfast I face the challenge of straightening my hair and tying it up, brushing my teeth, washing my face, putting on make up to a decent standard and packing my school bag all in the space of around 20 minutes - in time to leave the house for 7:20. It’s always a bit of a dash to the station to catch the 7:26 train which is always packed with smart men and women in suits on their way to work in London. Everyday my brother and I spend the ten minute train journey staring at the same miserable faces sitting in exactly the same seats doing exactly the same thing; be it checking their Blackberries, iPhones or reading the Daily Mail. When we arrive at our destination station, we just about manage to squeeze through the oblivious commuters who, everyday without fail, try to board the train before we’ve managed to get off. It’s quite illogical really. Sometimes our hefty school bags might get caught on the passengers inside the train, who scowl and glare as if they’ve never been an awkward teenager.
And so the tedious wait for our next train commences. More commuters line the opposite side of the platform, looking as gormless as ever. I sit on one of the cold metal benches -most of which have been shat on by pigeons- and wait for my friends to arrive. Little by little, the platform fills with students from both Newstead and Olaves who, for the most part, tend to ignore each other’s existence apart from the normal group of year nines who seem to enjoy the company of the opposite sex rather a lot. About two minutes before the train is due to arrive, Chiha emerges casually from the station entrance and strolls towards our platform. We text each other almost everyday, and have almost endless conversations about nothing, yet in person we can barely manage a simple ‘Hello’ or ‘Hi’. It’s the most frustrating thing.
The train arrives and the students cram into their carriages, clutching their Metros and jabbering about the day ahead. I tend to spend the twenty minute journey not talking much. I’d rather stare out the window, and have some private thinking time, or I just observe the general banter of my friends. On arrival at Orpington, all the Newstead students descend into the substation walkway and appear on the other side of the station to flash their tickets at the station attendant, who really, doesn’t pay much attention to them at all. I once got past the attendant with a month old ticket. The two quid I would have spent on a travel card that day went towards my ‘get rich without realising’ fund.
The walk to school with Marion is normally filled with a heated debate on whether or not Dr Who is absolute nonsense or our shared interest in ambiguous homoerotic subtext. I always feel slightly worn out by the time we get to school; but there’s no time to be tired, so I get my books ready for my first two lessons and set off through the cramped corridors which are packed with year sevens who are clearly inexperienced at the art of pushing and shoving. Trying to walk down the corridors at rush hour is vaguely similar to being in a mosh pit. With textbooks.
At break time, Michelle (my best friend) and I usually buy a bacon roll from the canteen, or plan our next prank. A few months ago, we crammed ourselves into the bag cupboard, and jumped out on our friend. I got neck cramp whilst trying to stuff my large year ten torso into the bottom shelf at the same time as helping Michelle squish in – but our victim’s reaction was priceless. Michelle and I are infamous for our mischievous personalities within the form, but others reckon we’re a tad freaky.
The last bell rings and we’re free to get home to the wonders of having access to a fast modem and reading up on the advanced functions of various gadgets we’ve got lying around to see if we can make them more exciting. I practise piano for a while, until I get bored of playing and perfecting the same pieces over and over, and wait for dinner to be ready. On occasion I make dinner as a way of being helpful, and I’ve developed quite an interest in cooking.
The rest of the evening is spent procrastinating starting that assignment which happens to be due in tomorrow. I might re-arrange my bedroom a few times, or reorganise my videogames into alphabetical order.
Bedtime is usually around eleven, and that assignment won’t have been touched. I decide I’ll quickly rush it on the train in the morning, and so I get into bed, and log out for the day.
Oh wait. I have a text.
Monday, 17 May 2010
new found attractive-ness?
OKAY.
I seem to be attracting loads of boys lately, and ohmygod >.<
Matt
Hey x
4:48pmMe
hey ~
do I know you?
4:48pmMatt
Sorry random add lol x
Ure well pretty thou x
4:49pmMe
awww thank you (: you're not bad tbh ;PP
4:50pmMatt
Well thank you so where u from? X
4:50pmMe
hm? you mean my nationality? xD
4:51pmMatt
Well where u live? X
4:51pmMe
uhhm pretty much in eltham ~ you?
4:52pmMatt
Kl do u know Bromley?
4:53pmMe
yes xD my school's in bromley
4:53pmMatt
Oh where u go?
4:53pmMe
newstead (:
4:54pmMatt
That's down the road from me how old r ya?
4:54pmMe
LOL14 :|
4:54pmMatt
Aww so u year 9 or 10?
4:54pmMe
10 ~ ://
4:55pmMatt
Ahh kl well u are very very pretty
4:55pmMe
thanks paedo :))
I kid ofc
4:56pmMatt
Haha I'm only 16 and year above u
4:56pmMe
haha! you look older @.@
sorry <.< im a n00b sometimes :PP
4:56pmMatt
Haha nahh I'm 16
4:57pmMe
coolbeans (:
4:57pmMatt
So u single?
4:57pmMe
yeah ~ you?
4:58pmMatt
Yeahh
Well maybe we could meet up some time
4:58pmMe
hmm im kinda crushing on someone;; but i don't think it'll EVERR work. so. sucks to be me atm :PP
4:59pmMatt
Oh ok well maybe you won't wanna meet then lol
4:59pmMe
pahaha;; idk, maybe not yet o.e
5:00pmMatt
Yeah that's kl well I've got a free house Friday if you change your mind
5:01pmMe
ah cool ~ maybe
5:01pmMatt
well stay in contact and that what would u wanna do?
5:02pmMe
pfsh it's your house (: you decide
5:03pmMatt
Can snuggle in bed watch tv thrash you on the wii lol but would you like to hug and kiss?
5:04pmMe
(: oh you flatter me;
but you're a bit of a weirdo.
sorry :|
5:05pmMe
nothing personal, but I have no idea who you are >.<
and Dalonie. and Shaun. But unfortunately not chiha Dx
why life? WHY?!
:|
I seem to be attracting loads of boys lately, and ohmygod >.<
Matt
Hey x
4:48pmMe
hey ~
do I know you?
4:48pmMatt
Sorry random add lol x
Ure well pretty thou x
4:49pmMe
awww thank you (: you're not bad tbh ;PP
4:50pmMatt
Well thank you so where u from? X
4:50pmMe
hm? you mean my nationality? xD
4:51pmMatt
Well where u live? X
4:51pmMe
uhhm pretty much in eltham ~ you?
4:52pmMatt
Kl do u know Bromley?
4:53pmMe
yes xD my school's in bromley
4:53pmMatt
Oh where u go?
4:53pmMe
newstead (:
4:54pmMatt
That's down the road from me how old r ya?
4:54pmMe
LOL14 :|
4:54pmMatt
Aww so u year 9 or 10?
4:54pmMe
10 ~ ://
4:55pmMatt
Ahh kl well u are very very pretty
4:55pmMe
thanks paedo :))
I kid ofc
4:56pmMatt
Haha I'm only 16 and year above u
4:56pmMe
haha! you look older @.@
sorry <.< im a n00b sometimes :PP
4:56pmMatt
Haha nahh I'm 16
4:57pmMe
coolbeans (:
4:57pmMatt
So u single?
4:57pmMe
yeah ~ you?
4:58pmMatt
Yeahh
Well maybe we could meet up some time
4:58pmMe
hmm im kinda crushing on someone;; but i don't think it'll EVERR work. so. sucks to be me atm :PP
4:59pmMatt
Oh ok well maybe you won't wanna meet then lol
4:59pmMe
pahaha;; idk, maybe not yet o.e
5:00pmMatt
Yeah that's kl well I've got a free house Friday if you change your mind
5:01pmMe
ah cool ~ maybe
5:01pmMatt
well stay in contact and that what would u wanna do?
5:02pmMe
pfsh it's your house (: you decide
5:03pmMatt
Can snuggle in bed watch tv thrash you on the wii lol but would you like to hug and kiss?
5:04pmMe
(: oh you flatter me;
but you're a bit of a weirdo.
sorry :|
5:05pmMe
nothing personal, but I have no idea who you are >.<
and Dalonie. and Shaun. But unfortunately not chiha Dx
why life? WHY?!
:|
Tuesday, 4 May 2010
Okay so. There's this guy.
I met him in the strangest way. See, around September/October time, one of my e-friends (Brandon) showed me a picture of themselves. A few weeks into school, I realised that a boy who got my train looked JUST LIKE HIM. I told Brandon about him, and thought that I should get a picture to show Brandon. So.. I effectively started stalking this Brandon lookalike, trying to get a picture of his face. My efforts were proving futile, as the camera on my phone was a bit too shit, and let's face it. It's kinda hard to get a picture of someone's face without them realising. I decided that I could get his facebook, and just steal his profile picture or something. My friend Marion knows a guy called Will, who hangs out with said Brandon lookalike, so I asked her to ask will what his name was.
Marion reported back with two names. Chiha and Edmund. I added both of them, and Chiha responded much quicker than 'Edmund'. Somehow we started talking, and I told him about the whole thing with 'Edmund'. He just found it rather funny and told me that his real name was Lin.
Time went by and I forgot about getting the picture, after deciding that the resemblance of Brandon in Lin was minimal, but I kept talking to Chiha. It was just over facebook, and we discovered that we shared an interest in a few things.
Chiha was pretty alright. Oh. He's also in year 9.
So things continued, commenting, messaging, he even gave me his number wanting me to call him to 'prove' how awkward I was on the phone. (the subject had arisen in a conversation)
Of course I didn't ring it. I really do feel quite awkward on the phone as a lot of my conversation comes from observation. If the person on the phone isn't observing the same things as me, it's a little hard to sustain conversation.. We don't go to the same school obviously (single gender concentration camp schools :P) so we can't keep talking about things that happen at school or whatever ~
basically. I didn't call it.
Within a few days though, I texted him. About Lin actually;;
He said I should walk down the train and come say Hi and stuff.
I didn't. Fail.
But I don't reckon Chiha was very disappointed anyway.
Somewhere along the way, there was a train journey where we (Nicole, Arunjah and I) actually went to go sit with Chiha and his friends. It kinda failed as there was a lone traveller who took up the 6 seat. So we didn't sit in the same section as them, and so didn't talk. Apart from Chiha kinda shouting over to me that Lin would drug me and feed me to crocodiles if I ever tried to hug him :/
Conversation Attempt = fail
There was also another time when we had properly ARRANGED to sit with each other. Of course it's just my luck that my first train was cancelled so I ended up having to run for the train everyone was getting. I got to where Arunjah, Nicole, Chiha etc. were sitting, and it was literally like:
Me: "aah i'm so jumbo, I had to run for the train and I'm our of breath :P"
Nicole + Arunjah: " haha~ heyyy ~~"
Chiha: "Hello."
Me: "Hey ~"
*Silence*
Chiha: *turns to other friends and chats*
Arunjah, Nicole and I: *Ignored*
:|
Conversation Attempt 2 = fail.
Anyway!
PreeeeeEEEeeEeEtyy soon, Christmas came, and I actually considered Chiha my friend. Like a proper friend. Even if I hadn't really spoken to him >.>
I found myself in the dilemma of whether I should get him a present, like I did for all my friends. I thought considering we didn't actually talk, it would be a little strange if I randomly bought him something. So I wrote him a card. It was ridiculously nerve-racking. I mean wtf?! It's only a feckin' christmas card. I had the card in my hand. I was walking right up to him. Then we made eye contact and my legs kinda diverted me from insane embarrassment, and I never gave him the card. I felt so disappointed in myself. I think I still have the card somewhere actually D:
anywh0zerz. The holidays went by, and we got back to school. Ish. It was all snowy and the trains were fucked, so we couldn't really... go anywhere. On facebook, me and Chiha were having some discussion, which ended up with me agreeing to buy him maoams. I have no idea how this happened. Anyway, I got him the maoams, and planned to ive them to him on his birthday ((( Jan 6th))) but the trains were gay'd up i think. SO it didn't happen till the week after.
I kinda got up on the seat behind him and dropped them in front of him. The patted his head. He had bouncy, rather soft hair. How pleasant [Y]
From then on, whenever I saw him, I had the urge to feel his hair. Ruffle it a bit, and just hug his head >.<
There was a point when I was actually obsessed with texting him. It would be like:
*receives text*
*pounces on phone*
*IS IT FROM HIM?!*
*no.*
*whoever just texted me can fuck off then*
((it's still kinda like that. But less so (: ))
I would sacrifice sleep.
I still have about another two or three months to talk about.
Then I have to unload all my feelings and uncertainties.
I can do that tomorrow. I'll get as far as I can today. My eyes are getting tired ^^'
so. THEEENNNN ~~~
*thinks*
kay. Everyday, I would see him on the train platform, and I would have all these things in my head telling me to go and say Hi, and I would imagine what would happen if I did. Sometimes they were good, and we'd start talking like good friends, or sometimes they were bad, and it was all awkward. I wish wish wish I was brave enough to talk to him.
And like. I couldn't help but just WATCH HIM. and wonder if he even realised that I was standing right there.
Then one time at our destination station, I walked past him and deliberately bumped into him, and said sorry, but nothing else. He didn't EVEN NOTICE.
I was outraged.
And I felt so invisible.
And I felt like my existence was totally unnecessary and irrelevant andandand like he just didn't care AT ALL T.T
It was a sad day for me.
Then I went on my Spanish exchange and I missed him very much for some bizarre reason. And I texted him. Even though it probably cost me a bit.
okay. I'll continue with this in my next post.
I feel like if I try to continue now, I'll get lazy and miss out details ):
ciao ~x
I met him in the strangest way. See, around September/October time, one of my e-friends (Brandon) showed me a picture of themselves. A few weeks into school, I realised that a boy who got my train looked JUST LIKE HIM. I told Brandon about him, and thought that I should get a picture to show Brandon. So.. I effectively started stalking this Brandon lookalike, trying to get a picture of his face. My efforts were proving futile, as the camera on my phone was a bit too shit, and let's face it. It's kinda hard to get a picture of someone's face without them realising. I decided that I could get his facebook, and just steal his profile picture or something. My friend Marion knows a guy called Will, who hangs out with said Brandon lookalike, so I asked her to ask will what his name was.
Marion reported back with two names. Chiha and Edmund. I added both of them, and Chiha responded much quicker than 'Edmund'. Somehow we started talking, and I told him about the whole thing with 'Edmund'. He just found it rather funny and told me that his real name was Lin.
Time went by and I forgot about getting the picture, after deciding that the resemblance of Brandon in Lin was minimal, but I kept talking to Chiha. It was just over facebook, and we discovered that we shared an interest in a few things.
Chiha was pretty alright. Oh. He's also in year 9.
So things continued, commenting, messaging, he even gave me his number wanting me to call him to 'prove' how awkward I was on the phone. (the subject had arisen in a conversation)
Of course I didn't ring it. I really do feel quite awkward on the phone as a lot of my conversation comes from observation. If the person on the phone isn't observing the same things as me, it's a little hard to sustain conversation.. We don't go to the same school obviously (single gender concentration camp schools :P) so we can't keep talking about things that happen at school or whatever ~
basically. I didn't call it.
Within a few days though, I texted him. About Lin actually;;
He said I should walk down the train and come say Hi and stuff.
I didn't. Fail.
But I don't reckon Chiha was very disappointed anyway.
Somewhere along the way, there was a train journey where we (Nicole, Arunjah and I) actually went to go sit with Chiha and his friends. It kinda failed as there was a lone traveller who took up the 6 seat. So we didn't sit in the same section as them, and so didn't talk. Apart from Chiha kinda shouting over to me that Lin would drug me and feed me to crocodiles if I ever tried to hug him :/
Conversation Attempt = fail
There was also another time when we had properly ARRANGED to sit with each other. Of course it's just my luck that my first train was cancelled so I ended up having to run for the train everyone was getting. I got to where Arunjah, Nicole, Chiha etc. were sitting, and it was literally like:
Me: "aah i'm so jumbo, I had to run for the train and I'm our of breath :P"
Nicole + Arunjah: " haha~ heyyy ~~"
Chiha: "Hello."
Me: "Hey ~"
*Silence*
Chiha: *turns to other friends and chats*
Arunjah, Nicole and I: *Ignored*
:|
Conversation Attempt 2 = fail.
Anyway!
PreeeeeEEEeeEeEtyy soon, Christmas came, and I actually considered Chiha my friend. Like a proper friend. Even if I hadn't really spoken to him >.>
I found myself in the dilemma of whether I should get him a present, like I did for all my friends. I thought considering we didn't actually talk, it would be a little strange if I randomly bought him something. So I wrote him a card. It was ridiculously nerve-racking. I mean wtf?! It's only a feckin' christmas card. I had the card in my hand. I was walking right up to him. Then we made eye contact and my legs kinda diverted me from insane embarrassment, and I never gave him the card. I felt so disappointed in myself. I think I still have the card somewhere actually D:
anywh0zerz. The holidays went by, and we got back to school. Ish. It was all snowy and the trains were fucked, so we couldn't really... go anywhere. On facebook, me and Chiha were having some discussion, which ended up with me agreeing to buy him maoams. I have no idea how this happened. Anyway, I got him the maoams, and planned to ive them to him on his birthday ((( Jan 6th))) but the trains were gay'd up i think. SO it didn't happen till the week after.
I kinda got up on the seat behind him and dropped them in front of him. The patted his head. He had bouncy, rather soft hair. How pleasant [Y]
From then on, whenever I saw him, I had the urge to feel his hair. Ruffle it a bit, and just hug his head >.<
There was a point when I was actually obsessed with texting him. It would be like:
*receives text*
*pounces on phone*
*IS IT FROM HIM?!*
*no.*
*whoever just texted me can fuck off then*
((it's still kinda like that. But less so (: ))
I would sacrifice sleep.
I still have about another two or three months to talk about.
Then I have to unload all my feelings and uncertainties.
I can do that tomorrow. I'll get as far as I can today. My eyes are getting tired ^^'
so. THEEENNNN ~~~
*thinks*
kay. Everyday, I would see him on the train platform, and I would have all these things in my head telling me to go and say Hi, and I would imagine what would happen if I did. Sometimes they were good, and we'd start talking like good friends, or sometimes they were bad, and it was all awkward. I wish wish wish I was brave enough to talk to him.
And like. I couldn't help but just WATCH HIM. and wonder if he even realised that I was standing right there.
Then one time at our destination station, I walked past him and deliberately bumped into him, and said sorry, but nothing else. He didn't EVEN NOTICE.
I was outraged.
And I felt so invisible.
And I felt like my existence was totally unnecessary and irrelevant andandand like he just didn't care AT ALL T.T
It was a sad day for me.
Then I went on my Spanish exchange and I missed him very much for some bizarre reason. And I texted him. Even though it probably cost me a bit.
okay. I'll continue with this in my next post.
I feel like if I try to continue now, I'll get lazy and miss out details ):
ciao ~x
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